Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler (contemporary Lesbian writer from NYU; written as a PLAY OF MONOLOGUES: Monologue is a dramatic speech performed alone on stage by an actor)

I come from the “down there” generation. That is, those were the words spoken rarely and in a hushed voice that the women in my family used to refer to all female genitalia, internal or external.

It wasn’t that they were ignorant of terms like vagina, labia, vulva, or clitoris. On the contrary, they were trained to be teachers and probably had more access to information than most.

It wasn’t even that they were unliberated, or “straitlaced,” as they would have put it. One grandmother earned money from her strict Protestant church by ghostwriting sermons of which she didn’t believe a word, and then earned more by betting it on the horse races. The other grandmother was a suffragist, educator, and even an early political candidate, all to the alarm of many in her Jewish community. As for my own mother, she had been a pioneer newspaper reporter years before I was born, and continued to take pride in bringing up her two daughters in a more enlightened way than she had been raised. I don’t remember her using any of the slang words that made the female body seem dirty or shameful, and I’m grateful for that. Many daughters grew up with a greater burden.

Nonetheless, I didn’t hear words that were accurate, much less prideful. For example, I never once heard the word clitoris. It would be years before I learned that female possessed the only organ in the human body with no function other than to feel pleasure. If such an organ were unique to the male body, can you imagine how much we would hear about it, and what it would be used to justify! Thus, whether I was learning to talk, to spell, or to take care of my own body, I was told the name of each of its amazing parts except in once unmentionable area. This left me unprotected against the shaming words and dirty jokes of the school yard, and later, against the popular belief that men—whether as lovers or physicians—knew more about women’s bodies than women did.

(pp19-21)
“if your vagina could talk, what would it say, it two words?”
-slow down -stay home
-is that you? -brave choice
-feed me -think again
-I want -more, please
-yum, yum -let’s play
-where’s Brian? -remember me?
-start again -not yet
-no, over there -enter at your own risk



Excerpts from The Penis Monologues

The Penis Monologue Meets The Vagina Monologues

a few monologues
by

Stephen Peace


MAN
The title of this little piece is the Penis Monologues Meets The Vagina Monologues
(frowns, thinks) or maybe I should call it When Privates Meet!

Stands at attention and salutes.

There is just something less mysterious about a penis than there is about a vagina. I don’t know, all the guys I knew when I was young liked running around with their penis hard and sticking out or bulging in their pants. It wasn’t hard to get a guy to admit that it was hard, unless he had to stand up in class or in front of some girl or their parents, and then he wished he had an on off switch. (Points his finger down)

Women just never had the same pleasure in having something to grab onto in public like a guy does. You still see some guys walking around in public playing with themselves. It’s frowned on, but it just isn’t as frowned on as if you saw a woman walking around playing with herself. Women’s vaginas are harder to get to. That is what puts the mystique in vaginas. They don’t stick out.

Wait, wait, maybe I am ahead of all of you on this. (Holds up his hand) Wait, -- not like ahead, you know like the head of a penis, (smiles) some of you have got sick minds. – No, what I mean is that maybe a lot of you haven’t even heard of The Vagina Monologues.

(Looks) See, some of you haven’t heard of The Vagina Monologues, and I can see you squirming in your seats. –You know that is one of the beauties of that play. You see The Vagina Monologues is a play about vaginas. – Kind of hard to grasp. –(smiles) there you go with your dirty minds. See, that is the point. If you talk about a word, then you find that the word loses some of the mystery or mystique of the words. Think about it. In your life you hear a lot of other words for vagina, rather than vagina. What word immediately comes to your mind?

Slight pause.

Yup, that’s the word!

We hear penis or dick a lot more than we hear vagina. I don’t even think I knew what vagina meant until I was in high school and it sure wasn’t something that one mentioned in public or in mixed company without getting your face slapped.

When I was young, I wondered about erections, but I had an older brother and his friends to show me theirs, and to tell me the mysteries of life. You know the mysteries like women have babies from toilet seats; and the mystery thing, you know, the thing that babies came out of was somewhere near the butt and you sure didn’t want to go near no butts, because that is where po poo comes from. I got what most young boys got about vaginas: a lot of bad information. I guess I didn’t get a lot of good information, because I guess women also didn’t have a lot of good information about their vaginas, and if they did, then they sure weren’t going to tell a boy. That was also a long time ago where most men were the doctors and they probably grew up with the same information I had received. And from what I can tell of the doctors I have known they sure weren’t going to change their thinking.

I didn’t think having an erection was odd, basically because I had really become aware of my penis when I was about five. I remember vividly I had gone out on my grandmother’s front porch. I got a hard on and I didn’t know how to get rid of it and I sure wasn’t going back inside until it went away. (Smiles) But I must admit I did like the sensation.

I remember when I read that The Vagina Monologues Play was coming to my town I showed the article to a couple of different people. The guys when they read the words vagina jumped like they had been shot. The women squirmed and giggled. Or went, “Oh My!”

The article said in some western cities they even had to use a different name when they advertised, because the papers wouldn’t print vagina.

One intrepid female soul, one of my colleagues at work,--whose husband just happened to be out of town that night, went to see the Monologues.

She came back a revolutionary.

She said she later had a conversation with her mother about vaginas. It was the very first conversation she had ever had with her mother on any sex or sexual topics, ever.

And you know, the woman and I talked about vaginas for over an hour. (whispers) And this was at work.

So, what is my point?

Well, I guess it is that if we talk about something then we demystify it. And if we share our ideas and experiences, then we demystify the opposite sex. So, I think it is time that vaginas and penises meet out in the open. Just try and visualize it, vaginas and penises meeting out in the open.

(smiles)

You guys have got dirty minds.

Some people have told me that I need to lengthen this monologue, make it longer.

I’m not sure if they were going Freudian on me or not. When that is all you’ve got, then that is all you’ve got, as many a man will tell a woman.

A WORD ABOUT CIRCUMCISION

This is another word that makes grown men cringe. Talk with a man about circumcision if you don’t believe me. Just walk up in the local bar or Star Bucks and strike up a casual conversation with a guy about circumcisions and see if he doesn’t get a funny look on his face.

You see, most men, at the thought or maybe even remembrance, --- that at sometime, some doctor had this sharp, dagger, razor like thing down near his penis is enough to raise goose bumps on their skin. And then, if you want to really get them, tell them to try and visualize that this mad doctor drug that razor sharp dagger around the poor little defenseless penis in a circle, and blood was squirting out like a faucet all over the place, and that the poor little defenseless thing was trying to run, but that there was nowhere to hide, well, this is enough for grown men to cringe, some even faint,-- some have even been known to visit therapists over the matter. If you don’t believe me, just ask a non-circumcised guy if it is something that he would do willingly?

Inside the bar.

MAN (describes)
Man walks up to the bar.

He walks to bar.

He looks at the red elephant.

He nods to elephant.

And nods. The elephant doesn’t say anything.

The Bartender walks up to the man.

BARTENDER
Whatt’ll ya have?

MAN
A good Dog Wood pale ale of a good vintage would be nice?

BARTENDER
We got a great vintage bottled just last week.

MAN
That would do nicely.

The bartender exits, the man diddles with
His napkin and drums his fingers.
The bartender returns with the bottle.

MAN
Can I have a glass?

BARTENDER
What’s the matter, are you a sissy?

MAN
Now that is an interesting question.

Bartender shakes his head and exits.
He promptly returns with a glass.

BARTENDER
Now, I guess you would like a napkin?

MAN
Yes, that would be nice.

Bartender frowns and takes a wadded up
Napkin out of his pants pocket and gets the wrinkles
Out and places it on the counter.

MAN
Thank you.

Bartender starts to leave.

MAN
Oh, excuse me?

BARTENDER
Now what do you want?

MAN
Can I ask you a question?

BARTENDER
Sure shoot.

MAN
Are you circumcised?



BARTENDER (amazed)
Say whut?

MAN
Are you circumcised?

BARTENDER
No, as a matter of fact, I’m not and I’ve always wanted to be open about it. As a matter of fact, do you know a good female doctor who does that kind of work? You know, possibly a plastic surgeon. I think a female doctor would do better work, because she has smaller hands. You know, maybe they would be gentler. I always get female doctors because of their hands. You know, that prostate exam is the pits.

HE nods.

Oh, but I’m getting off of the subject, we were talking about me getting a circumcision, we’ll I would like a good doctor with plenty of references,

Nods.

or if they are a quack then I would want one that could add some length and maybe a little reinforcement, if you get my drift, because you know, I have noticed the little soldier kind of flagging a bit.

The man looks at the bartender and doesn’t speak.
He takes money out of his pocket and throws it on the
Counter.

MAN
Man are you a sick-o.

HE storms out.
The bartender picks up the money and takes away the beer,
The napkin he folds backup and puts it in his pocket.


A good example of what might happen to a non-circumcised adult guy if he gets a circumcision is in the Bible. If you don’t know about it I will tell you a rough estimation of the story.

You see, these Hebrews, who were in tribes, met up with this other tribe of non-Hebrews, and somehow they talked the other guys into converting to becoming Hebrews. But, the deal was, that all of the men in this other tribe had to get circumcised.

But, they must have neglected to tell these other guys that this was something that they did just after they were born. Just a slight glitch in their business presentation, I would think.

So, the king of this other group or somebody agreed that this would be a good thing. Duh?

In the meantime somebody had raped somebody, and somebody else had gotten pissed. So, this somebody that had gotten pissed decided to kill all the guys of this group that was being circumcised, ---that, if you remember, were going to come over to their tribe.

So, these guys that were circumcised had these little tents over their sliced up penises, and were also having fevers. (Somebody slicing on my penis and me a full-grown man would give me a fever). Anyway, guess what happened? They killed all of the guys with the sliced up penises. DUH!

And oh, there is this little fact that I forgot to tell you. My meat is intact. That’s right, ain’t no doctor been near me except to gaze in wide wonder!

Oh, and another thing, if you come near me with a knife, prepare to die!